Bush Says He Is The Real Change Candidate

Washington, DC

Stung by the fact that the most popular theme in this election is “change,” and by the recognition that this represents the clearest and most powerful possible repudiation of his presidency and policies, President George W. Bush argued at a press conference today that he is, in fact, the real agent of change.

“There’s a lot of people and other folks talking about change these days,” Bush said, “but it’s me that’s the real change. I’m the changer.”

“We’ve got to change Washington now,” he said, “It’s just a freakin’ disaster. I mean, don’t you people watch the news?”

When he was elected, Bush promised to restore honor to the White House, to be a “uniter not a divider,” and to govern as a “compassionate” conservative. All that changed, and changed fast, Bush said, adding: “I mean, I don’t see how you could even have more change than that. It just isn’t possible," adding "I'm the changiest."

Somewhat surprisingly, however, Mr. Bush later said that more change was, in fact, possible, and that he was the person to deliver it. After his press conference, other members of the administration echoed Bush’s claims.

“Americans want even more change,” Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino added. “Like all other Americans, we are completely fed up with this shit. I mean, almost any change would be better than this clusterf*ck. Just roll the dice and pick policies randomly and you could probably do better than this.”

Asked about these claims by the Administration, Republican Presidential candidate John McCain said that he was actually more Bush-like than Bush, and would be even “changier.”

“I’m twice the Bush that Bush is,” McCain said. “In fact, I’m so similar to him that I’m practically the same guy. Except more so."

McCain went on to promise “a change from the failed ultra-liberal policies of this administration, the timid, overly-circumspect and judicious foreign policy, the overly-rational and objective use of scientific findings, the almost pathologically open and honest pursuit of truth and justice.”

“Only someone exactly like the man who got us into this mess can get us out of it,” McCain assured a crowd of adoring onlookers.

In response to questions from the press about the inconsistency between the claims that he is both exactly like Bush and “Bushier,” McCain said “For five and a half years I was a prisoner of war. And let me tell you, you don’t have time to worry about things like consistency and being logical when you’re in the Hanoi Hilton.”

When informed of Perino’s claims to the effect that Bush was the true agent of change, McCain called the press secretary an unprintable word beginning with the letter 'c'.