Sunday, August 05, 2018

Caller Threatens To Shoot* Brian Stetler and Don Lemon On Live C-SPAN Broadcast**

I mean...this is bullshit and everything. I don't mean to just dismiss it out of hand. And the right has always been a bit powder-keggy if ya know what I mean and I think you do. So this kind of thing is an unwelcome sign, I'll admit. Just not good, I say. Anyway, don't get me wrong: I'm all against this and everything.
   But...c'mon. As death threats go, it wasn't much of one. I mean..."[If] I see them, I'm going to shoot them. Bye."?  Not very convincing. What you wanna go with is something along the lines of your classic "I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND I WILL KILL YOU." Now that's a threat! Not "Y'know...should I happen to run into you...I guess I'll shoot you or whatever." Well, ok, I guess I hope I don't run into you at the Burger King, then. In Tulsa or wherever.
   Also: don't scurry off the phone afterward, jeez. You wanna end with something like "YOU HEAR ME STELTER???" See how much more effective that is than 'bye'? Also, the caller sounded like a wheezy old Jewish guy. You really want, like, a Russian accent for something like that. Or maybe Dutch. Dutch people are scary, man. They're like...proto-Boers. Oh. And you want to sound like you're not in your 60's--I can't stress that enough. Also, if you're in some kind of respiratory distress, use your inhaler before you call. That's just common sense. Or consider maybe a written threat--perhaps something in the composed-of-letters-cut-out-of-magazines genre. Classic! And they don't have to hear your feeble, quavering, reedy voice--a plus, I'm sure you'll admit.
   So if I were doing this, then, I'd probably go with something more like: "Hello? Am I on? On...the air right now? Oh, Yes? Right. Ok. So...uh...long-time listener, first-time threatener. I, uh...[uses inhaler] I'M SICK OF DON LEMON WITH HIS EXCESSIVE EARNESTNESS, AND THAT STETLER...huh? Oh... STELTER GUY WITH HIS...WHATEVER...UNREMARKABLENESS. I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND...what? I dunno...both of them, I guess...just...ANYWAY I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND I WILL KILL YOU...YOU HEAR ME STELTER? YOU HEAR ME????"
   I mean, I don't want to brag or whatever, but I feel that I could threaten journalists--or...pretty much anybody, really--much more effectively than that guy on C-SPAN.

*Originally, we reported that the caller threatened to kill Lemon and Stelter, when in fact he only threatened to shoot them. We here at the institute regret the error.

**This title is ambiguous. But we here at the institute decided to say fuck it.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Winston, at least one of your friends is very worried about you.

5:39 PM  
Blogger Winston Smith said...


7:17 AM  
Blogger Dark Avenger said...

You need to get off the sauce.

10:11 AM  
Blogger Winston Smith said...

Fat chance.

12:17 PM  

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