Ham Sandwich McCain's Actual Choice for Veep

John McCain has revealed that his apparent choice of Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential running-mate was, as many observers predicted, a carefully-staged hoax. "Yeah, right," McCain campaign manager Rick Davis said of Palin, laughing with reporters. "As if! What do we look like, a bunch of complete lackwits? You guys will believe anything."

McCain's actual running mate will be a ham sandwich.

The sandwich, said by analysts to be "a little light on the ham," has never held any public office and is incapable of speech or rational thought. It is thought that the choice will solidify McCain's credentials as a "maverick."

"John McCain makes decisions with his gut," said Davis. "That's what Americans like, right?"

Some Democrats questioned whether a sandwich was qualified to be the Vice President of the United States, let alone President if anything should happen to McCain, 72.

Republican spokesmen fired back that any attempt to criticize the sandwich in any way would constitute a display of bigotry.

"Sandwiches are as American as apple pie," said McCain spokesman Brian Rogers, "and it's just like the Democrats to attack them, and, by implication, our entire American way of life, and, by further extension, the very human act of eating, and, by even further extension, life itself, and, by extensive extension, the very concept of existence, both for human beings, and indeed, for the entire universe and, perhaps, even alternative universes."

He suggested that Democrats would probably favor some more "Middle-Eastern-sounding food," such as "kabobs or tacos or something."

GOP surrogates soon fanned out to cable news networks to sing the praises of the sandwich.

"This is a bold and visionary choice by John McCain," said Republican commentator William Bennett, appearing on CNN. "The trade in pork and pork products is absolutely central to America's military might and economic development in the 21st century. There is simply no better choice for Vice President, and, in fact, any objective observer must question why there is nothing made of pork--nor, in fact, anything that is consumable in any way--on the Democratic ticket."

Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden gave the McCain camp cautious praise for its choice. "Well, at least it wasn't Mitt Romeny," he said. "I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief about that."


[Update! Thanks to the Mystic, who informs us in comments that the ham sandwich was, in fact, already in the early stages of gearing up for a Senate campaign. Interestingly, this actually gives the sandwich more national experience than Palin has.]

[Quasi-update: Thanks for all the e-mails and links (e.g. Kleiman, Ezra, Andrew Sullivan)...tho, I gotta say, I still think 3pm was funnier... But what do I know?]

[Extra Special Update: As Pete notes in comments, McCain has responded to criticism of his choice by noting that he was a POW, and for many years had no ham sandwiches nor, in fact, any sandwiches of any kind whatsoever.]

[Super Extra Special Update: Palin supporters are responding with disappointment, noting that, if Palin were partially made of bread, then she would have just as much foreign policy experience as the ham sandwich, if she were also partially made of ham.]