Saturday, August 30, 2008

Ham Sandwich McCain's Actual Choice for Veep

John McCain has revealed that his apparent choice of Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential running-mate was, as many observers predicted, a carefully-staged hoax. "Yeah, right," McCain campaign manager Rick Davis said of Palin, laughing with reporters. "As if! What do we look like, a bunch of complete lackwits? You guys will believe anything."

McCain's actual running mate will be a ham sandwich.


The sandwich, said by analysts to be "a little light on the ham," has never held any public office and is incapable of speech or rational thought. It is thought that the choice will solidify McCain's credentials as a "maverick."

"John McCain makes decisions with his gut," said Davis. "That's what Americans like, right?"

Some Democrats questioned whether a sandwich was qualified to be the Vice President of the United States, let alone President if anything should happen to McCain, 72.

Republican spokesmen fired back that any attempt to criticize the sandwich in any way would constitute a display of bigotry.

"Sandwiches are as American as apple pie," said McCain spokesman Brian Rogers, "and it's just like the Democrats to attack them, and, by implication, our entire American way of life, and, by further extension, the very human act of eating, and, by even further extension, life itself, and, by extensive extension, the very concept of existence, both for human beings, and indeed, for the entire universe and, perhaps, even alternative universes."

He suggested that Democrats would probably favor some more "Middle-Eastern-sounding food," such as "kabobs or tacos or something."

GOP surrogates soon fanned out to cable news networks to sing the praises of the sandwich.

"This is a bold and visionary choice by John McCain," said Republican commentator William Bennett, appearing on CNN. "The trade in pork and pork products is absolutely central to America's military might and economic development in the 21st century. There is simply no better choice for Vice President, and, in fact, any objective observer must question why there is nothing made of pork--nor, in fact, anything that is consumable in any way--on the Democratic ticket."

Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden gave the McCain camp cautious praise for its choice. "Well, at least it wasn't Mitt Romeny," he said. "I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief about that."


[Update! Thanks to the Mystic, who informs us in comments that the ham sandwich was, in fact, already in the early stages of gearing up for a Senate campaign. Interestingly, this actually gives the sandwich more national experience than Palin has.]

[Quasi-update: Thanks for all the e-mails and links (e.g. Kleiman, Ezra, Andrew Sullivan)...tho, I gotta say, I still think 3pm was funnier... But what do I know?]

[Extra Special Update: As Pete notes in comments, McCain has responded to criticism of his choice by noting that he was a POW, and for many years had no ham sandwiches nor, in fact, any sandwiches of any kind whatsoever.]

[Super Extra Special Update: Palin supporters are responding with disappointment, noting that, if Palin were partially made of bread, then she would have just as much foreign policy experience as the ham sandwich, if she were also partially made of ham.]

31 Comments:

Blogger Prup (aka Jim Benton) said...

A ham sandwich. Oh, vey, there goes the Jewish vote

5:33 PM  
Anonymous Pete said...

How dare you criticize McCain's choice of a ham sandwich for V.P. Don't you know he was a P.O.W. and had to go for years without a ham sandwich?

5:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Democrats will argue that this takes the experience argument off the table, but the ham sandwich has more sandwich experience than Barack Obama does.

7:56 PM  
Blogger lovable liberal said...

Hys-fucking-sterical!

8:00 PM  
Blogger The Mystic said...

A leading Republican source informed me the other day that the Ham Sandwich may take the experience argument off the table, but most importantly, it, itself, is entirely ON the table, where the real work gets done! This, combined with its taste for politics, renders said Sandwich so perfect for the position that one might even say it was bread for it.

The only worry is that it, like McCain, is a bit crusty. Fellow Republicans are expected to lettuce know why it is that this doesn't put them in the pickle Democrats believe it does.

9:06 PM  
Anonymous MR Bill said...

Well, he's gonna lose the Jewish (and Muslim) vote. That just ain't kosher.

6:10 AM  
Anonymous blf said...

VPs also have to be at least 35 years old, making this one very old and stale sandwich. Rather like McCuckoo, except that the sandwich, at least when it was still a pig, had some intelligence.

7:04 AM  
Blogger Reggie said...

I knew all along the Palin pick was a hoax, but the rumor I heard was that the real choice for the #2 slot was Bigfoot!?

8:23 AM  
Blogger The Mystic said...

In all seriousness, though, doesn't this pick basically mean McCain is quite obviously lying to get votes?

The Democrats ought to point out that, all this time, McCain has been saying Obama doesn't have enough experience to hold an important office like the President of the United States. However, he then picks someone with less experience than Obama to be his VP.

This doesn't simply "take the experience argument off the table". It shows, rather, that it is either the case that McCain and his staff never really beleived the experience argument but were pitching it anyway, demonstrating their use of intellectually dishonest tactics in order to win an election (surprise!), or it is the case that McCain and his staff believe the experience argument, but are picking this woman as VP anyway, rendering themselves hypocrites.

If they are, in fact, being hypocritical, then one can assume that it's because they feel there are more important reasons to pick Palin that trump their own hypocrisy. This could be the case, yet it must be realized that they were pitching the experience argument consistently as though it were the main reason that one ought not to vote for Obama. It's been a pretty huge issue for them. To pick Palin in spite of that very same issue, they'd have to give a really, really, really good set of reasons why they ought to do that. However, since it's probably the case that those same reasons they will use to pick Palin in spite of her lack of experience (the view that she's right about the issues, etc.) will be used by Democrats to back their decision in picking Obama, it doesn't make any sense that McCain and company would've ignored these supporting issues for Obama this entire time if they were potentially valid reasons for rejecting the experience argument.

Given all that, I think the conclusions we have are either:

1) that McCain and company were pitching the experience argument against Obama as though it were the main reason not to vote for him when they really didn't believe it was that strong OR

2) they do believe it's a strong reason not to vote for someone, but they also believe that there are reasons one could have for voting for someone in spite of that reason. It is for those reasons that Palin is being selected by them for the office of Vice President in spite of her lack of experience. But, as was previously noted, if this were the case, one would think that they would've been forced to show why Obama was wrong about the issues, as those kinds of things are presumably the reasons one would vote for someone in spite of a lack of experience, and clearly the Democrats believe that Obama is right on the issues.

There's the third conclusion one can derive that they changed their minds regarding the experience issue, but that is, of course, highly improbable and, if it were the case, they would be responsible for explaining their fault and admitting that they'd changed their position. This, however, puts us in the situation of acknowledging that, while changing one's mind in the face of evidence isn't a bad thing - in fact, it's pretty laudable - it's not only unlikely that they aren't really changing their minds but also that, on an issue so simple as this, we ought to vote for the person who made the correct decision initially, especially if making that decision correctly conforms to a history of making the right decisions.

Right? It seems like only if you go with a very, very unlikely and charitable reconstruction of their position can you arrive at a conclusion that doesn't indicate that McCain and co. have been using dishonest tactics in order to attempt to win an election.

9:37 AM  
Blogger The Mystic said...

BTW, we should all be pretty happy for Ham Sandwich with this nomination. Apparently, he's been vigorously running for senate for a while now:

http://hamsandwich2010.blogspot.com/


lol.

9:44 AM  
Blogger lovable liberal said...

McCain just wants us all to understand the extreme importance of continuing to provide him with high-quality free medical care.

10:18 AM  
Anonymous Lewis Carroll said...

Mystic,

Of course John McCain is lying. He's a modern day Republican and his lips are moving, aren't they?

And your second possible explanation for them now going with someone like Palin is only plausible as to their base.

This is true since Republicans can't actually run on the issues; Americans just don't like their positions on the issues. In fact, Republicans so need to not run on the issues that those who vote for them are unlikely to even KNOW what their positions on the issues are, and generally need to believe things based on faith:

"Bush has enjoyed good success with his strategy of ignoring reality -- at least with his supporters. On a wide variety of issues, his supporters hold incorrect views, either because they believe what Bush has told them, or because they would have to give up their support for Bush if they didn't believe them. A report by the Program on International Policy at the Univ. of Maryland polled Bush and Kerry supporters on the following issues; percentage of support for each statement is shown for Bush and Kerry supporters:

Bush Kerry Statement Fact
72% 26% Iraq had WMD before the war False (Duelfer report)
75% 30% Iraq provided substantial support to al Qaeda pre-9/11 False (9/11 commission)
63% 15% Clear evidence for Iraq WMD was found False (no evidence)
58% 92% War would have been wrong if Iraq had no WMD, was not supporting al Qaeda Matter of opinion
61% 17% Bush would not have gone to war under those circumstances Matter of opinion; probably false
31% 74% Majority of world opposes US war in Iraq 38 of 38 countries oppose the war (Gallup poll)
9% 69% Majority of world favors Kerry victory 30 of 35 countries favor Kerry (GlobeScan/PIPA poll)
51% 21% Islamic world favors US-led efforts to fight terrorism 11 of 13 countries oppose US efforts (people-press.org)


This shows that Bush supporters are extremely ill-informed, or that Bush has successfully mislead them on these issues.

The PIPA study goes on to see how accurately supporters view their candidate on policy issues. Here we show the percentage of Bush or Kerry supporters who think their candidate holds each viewpoint:

Bush Kerry Viewpoint Fact
69% 77% Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty Bush no; Kerry yes
72% 79% Treaty banning land mines Bush no; Kerry yes
51% 74% Kyoto treaty on climate Bush no; Kerry yes
53% 65% US in Intenational Criminal Court Bush no; Kerry yes
74% 81% Favor labor and environmental standards in trade Bush no; Kerry yes


In each case, Bush supporters tend to agree with Kerry's viewpoint (numbers not shown here) but falsely believe that Bush agrees with them. In each case Kerry supporters are accurate in assessing Kerry."

from: http://norvig.com/hiring-president.html

Also see:

http://65.109.167.118/pipa/pdf/oct04/IraqRealities%20Oct04%20rpt.pdf

11:19 AM  
Anonymous BarkynSpydurz said...

A sandwhich may be viewed as more experienced or extol itself as more experienced if it is only for more bread to sandwhich itself with. In which case, are we looking at the ham, or the bread that it wants? Everyone has to eat ya know. Not just hapless pieces of ham looking literally for more bread.

1:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

needless to say, the hamburger is white bread. some pundits fear, however, the pick may not appeal as much to women as it does to men.

2:07 PM  
Blogger Tre said...

Oh man, what a dilemma: I LOVE ham sandwiches, but I HATE McSham. What am I to do? Guess I'll have to stick with my original plan and keep vociferously supporting Barack Obama and Joe BIden!

I really do - well, ALMOST really do - feel sorry for Sarah Palin. She has no clue about the collossal shit pail she has stuck her little hockey mom beauty queen foot into.

2:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Never been here before - so I owe Andrew Sullivan a HUGE debt of gratitude for linking to this.

This is brilliant!

2:36 PM  
Blogger Proud2bHumble said...

Soooo, baby got back(ing) by pork butt lovers... Well, that's not surprising, just as it's no surprise that McIavelliLite has once again 'tapped' a former I'm so pretty pageanteer in an attempt to defibrillate his flaccid campaign, once again leaving a faithful long-time companion lurching(by all appearances, haha). Wonder if McSenileSociopath will feel any pangs of guilt this time around after JoLie gets demdumped when the pugs are down to 30some seats in the Senate next year?

No.

Palin comparison, though, to the turn to c-word McAngerMissManagement's new relationship will take after the upcoming VP debatacle and subsequent pollplunging.

;-}

4:04 PM  
Anonymous Phony Express said...

Always with the pork in American politics. Where's the beef? Big moose-take, Krusty.

4:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A ham sandwich? Won't that force Lieberman to withdraw his endorsement?

9:26 PM  
Anonymous ly776 said...

McCain toyed with the idea of baloney instead of ham, but he is trying to distinguish himself from Bush.

9:39 PM  
Blogger Proud2bHumble said...

"Anonymous said...
A ham sandwich? Won't that force Lieberman to withdraw his endorsement?"

No, just his tongue. Guess McConstipated's going back to Ceasars and Cobbs.

;-}

9:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think he should have picked Grimace:
http://www.bofads.com/stories/helpmascots.htm
But I guess a ham sandwitch will do.

12:33 PM  
Blogger Steve said...

Has everyone forgotten the classic logical postulate that:

A ham sandwich is the best possible choice since a ham sandwich is better than God.

Proof:
Axiom 1: Nothing is better than God.
Axion 2: A ham sandwich is better than nothing.

Draw your own conclusion.

5:16 PM  
Anonymous USpace said...

.
This is going to be fun. History will be made, one way or another, and it looks more likely now that it will be the right history.

Even more Hillary supporters will go for McCain now. Obama is no longer a near certainty. Heaven forbid something happens to McCain, but I believe Palin would rise to the occasion. She has the right attitude. Everyone knows Obama is NOT ready for POTUS, Palin is only for the VP. Look at Dan Quayle.

YEY SARAH PALIN! YEY John McCain! Great pick! The 1st woman for the GOP VP? SCORE!

She's conservative! SCORE! She's a Governor! SCORE! She's pro-drilling! She's a hunter! SCORE! She's a hockey Mom and played basketball in school! SCORE! She's pro-life! And she respects women! SCORE! She fights corruption! SCORE! She's high-energy! SCORE! She's tough! SCORE! She's got 5 kids! SCORE! Her son is going to Iraq in the Armed Forces! SCORE! She's married to a Blue-collar professional! SCORE! She's smart! SCORE! She's young! SCORE!

And she's a Hotty to boot! SCORE! The Left is going to go nuts! SCORE!
.
absurd thought -
God of the Universe says
never elect a woman

who's a conservative
she's just a gender traitor

.
absurd thought -
God of the Universe says
just HOPE to pay more taxes

DREAM about high fuel prices
CHANGE PROGRESS to move backwards

.
All real freedom starts with freedom of speech. Without freedom of speech, there can be no real freedom.
.
Philosophy of Liberty Cartoon
.
Help Halt Terrorism Today!
.
USpace

:)
.

6:03 PM  
Blogger Angelita said...

funny, but not really.

It's interesting to hear liberal hacks and fake Goper's who still don't get their own base missed this.

Palin has been the talk of our crew since Hillary was annouced as really having a chance, if we were going to have a women on the ticket we wanted one of our own.
There has been a grassroots movement for almost a year now pushing Palins name with the movement of believers....

Once Obama came on the scene it quieted but there was more talk of her again about two months ago on emails within our community.

so...ham sandwich to you but a really a opportunity to keep bring in independants, women and those who questioned McCains commitment to our faith community...

btw..my vote is not in bag.

I like Palin but to me she isn't a sure thing it's McCain I still wonder about...

but frankly Palin can't do anyworse as VP than Obama can do as the Pres...it's getting becoming clearer than it was a week ago, experience in the Prez seat is best fit...
we will see.

9:17 PM  
Blogger The Mystic said...

Well...I guess I'll be the first to say it..

What?

9:55 PM  
Blogger Winston Smith said...

You got me.

But, er, good luck figuring that all out, Angelita.

9:59 PM  
Blogger Proud2bHumble said...

So, to summarize "US Angelita Space":

"This is going to be funs.

Historys will be mades funnys, but not reallys rights.

Even more Hillary supporters liberals hacks and fakes Goper's who stills don't gets theirs owns bases wills go for McCains nows.

It's interestings to hearsee everyones knows Obama is NOT readys for POTUSs, Palins is only for the VPs Dan Quayle missed this. I believe Palins would rises to the occasions if were goings haves a womens on the tickets. There has beens a grassroots fecals movements for almost a years now pushings Palins names with the movements of believers....She has the rights attitudes YEY SARAH PALIN! YEY John McCain! Great pick! The 1st woman for the GOP VP? SCORE! so...ham sandwich to you but a really a opportunity to keep bring in independants, womens and those who questioned McCains commitment to our faiths communitys...She's conservatives! SCORE! She's a Governors! SCORE! She's pro-drillings! She's a hunters! SCORE! She's a hockeys Moms and played basketballs in schools! SCORE! She's pro-lifes! And she respects womens! SCORE! She fights corruptions! SCORE! She's high-energys! SCORE! She's toughs! SCORE! She's got 5 kidss! SCORE! Her son is going to Iraqs in the Armed Forcess! SCORE! She's married to a Blue-collars professionals! SCORE! She's smarts! SCORE! She's youngs! SCORE! And she's a Hottys to boots! SCORE!
I WANNA SCORE! WITH SARAH! SCORE! With my Left nut! SCORE!SCORE! SCORE!

but frankly Palins can't do anyworses as VPs than Obama can do as the Pres...it's gettings becomings clearers thans it was a weeks ago, experiences in the Prezs seats is bests fits...
we wills sees.

absurd thought -
God of the Universe says
Me me me me me me me me me me me Me me me me me me me me me me me Me me me me me me me me me me me Me me me me me me me me me me me Me me me me me me me me me me me Me me me me me me me me me me me mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine"

FIFY

There, now you both make more sense...you two should get together, you'd make a fine scrotum, haha...

...just a couple of test tickles, don't go nuts on me.

lol


;-}

2:36 AM  
Blogger The Mystic said...

What?


Sheesh, I hope this isn't some sort of trend towards insanity that this blog picks up due to the people attracted by the Ham Sandwich post..

9:04 AM  
Blogger Winston Smith said...

Like you, I, again, am somewhat baffled.

And:

You've always hated the sandwich post! Admit it!

And:

Remember when Atrios sicked his flying monkeys on me? Now *that* really brought in the loons.

11:08 AM  
Blogger Proud2bHumble said...

Sorry, Winston & Mystic, just having a little fun with a headcheese mashup of a couple of contardian dialects, uspace libertardian and some kind of Angelita pumacretin subspecies. Hey, whatcha expect? Headcheese isn't something you'd want to actually eat, but it's fun to look at for a laff. I had a little extra loaf time, so I thought I'd waste a slice on these two. I hope this helped you ketchup, but lettuce move on now...

;-}

2:18 PM  

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