Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Stinker...er...Surfer


If I might quote Malcolm from Jurassic Park (another terrible movie, notwithstanding the fact that I've watched it like fifty times): "That is one big pile of shit."

Almost unwatchably bad, FFRotSS is just one cringeworthy moment after another. Oh, Jessica Alba is super hot...though notably less hot than she would be without the bad bleach job...and...uh...well...that's basically the only thing good about this turkey.


I know, I know. The Fantastic Four is not great material to start with. I liked 'em as a kid because I liked their powers, and the whole team thing and, to my shame, the Avengers only sporadically did it for me. (DC was right out. Blech.) But I had to give up on the FF because the treacly, soap-oper-osity just became unbearable. ("Oh, no, the Sub-Mariner is attacking REED, MY BELOVED HUSBAND! OH NOEZ!") It was bad stuff, but I still have a soft spot for it.

That's why it so painful to watch this crap. The thing seems to have been written by a twelve-year-old. It's one canned, cringe-inducing line after another. Cheap sentiment after cheap sentiment, after cheap sentiment. So, I guess, in that way it was kinda true to the comic...but egad, so much worse...

The bad guys are so bad that they don't even make any sense. The General dude's disdain for Reed & co. is so hyperbolic that it feels like he's not even a real character, just a kind of weird scribble of bad. Doc Doom doesn't even care that Galactus is about to EAT THE WHOLE FREAKING WORLD--including him--so powerful is his avarice and his lust for the Silver Surfer's board. Look guys: you don't understand Doc Doom if you don't understand that he's smart enough and rational enough to care that he's about to get et.

And Galactus...NEVER SHOWS UP. Or, rather, he shows up as a big amorphous cloud of destruction. His shadow shows up once...but, as for Galactus hisownself: no dice. WTF????

And not once is the SS identified as what he is: The Herald of Galactus fer cryin' out loud!

Oh, so terrible. So terribly, terribly terrible.

Do not watch, no matter how bored you are.

And yes, of course I realize that this movie came out forever ago. But after the first FF movie, I had no desire to see this thing. And I shouldn't have.


Blogger Grung_e_Gene said...

Contrast this with the Secret Wars (Marvel mini-series circa 1984) in which Dr. Doom steals the power of Galactus in order to confront the Beyonder.

I think casting was the biggest problem with the 2 FF films. The guy from Nip/Tuck was bad as Dr. Doom. Only the Shield guy as Thing worked.

11:01 AM  
Blogger Winston Smith said...

Ooh, sweet evidence. Nice comics chops evident on the Beyonder point.

I agree that casting was bad, and Dr. Doom was really bad. I thought Evans looked the part of Johnny Storm, but, like everything else in the movie, he was such a, well, *cartoon* that it was tedious. Still I thought he was one of the best things in the movie.

11:22 AM  
Blogger Dark Avenger said...

Did you know there is another FF movie?

The Fantastic Four is an unreleased low-budget superhero film completed in 1994. Created to secure copyright to the property, the producers never intended it for release, although the director, actors, and other participants were not informed of this fact. It was produced by low-budget specialist Roger Corman and Bernd Eichinger (who also produced another Fantastic Four movie in 2005). The film was based on the long-running comic book by Marvel Comics and featured the origin of the Fantastic Four and their first battle with the evil Doctor Doom.


12:03 PM  
Blogger Winston Smith said...

Holy crap, DA. I did not know that.

Found this clip, tho:


"Oscar clip"

12:24 PM  
Blogger Random Michelle K said...

So that you can completely doubt my taste from here on out, what I loved about both of those movies was that I felt like they got the sibling relationship between Johnny and Sue Storm *right*.

I have a younger brother, and their interactions just felt true to me, whereas most sibling relationships in movies strike me as... ridiculous.

It's the little things that I love in movies. (See: Fifth Element - space explosion where the fire boils out and then disappears with the air.)

But yes, Jessica Alba is HAWT though hotter as a brunette than a blonde, I agree.

1:11 PM  
Blogger Grung_e_Gene said...

Oh shoot I completely forgot!

As a Silver Surfer fan (obviously Volume 3) The makers of the Film knew nothing about the character and missed his most important line:

To Me, My Board...

4:53 PM  
Blogger Winston Smith said...

RMK...though, as you surmise, I cannot help but question your judgment now, I will say that I actually noticed the relationship b/w Sue and Johnny and thought it was very sweet. I don't have a sister, so I don't know what that's like, but I thought that when they embraced after the final battle it was very touching.

No homo.

7:34 PM  
Blogger Winston Smith said...


Indeed!!!!! How in the f'in world do they leave THAT line out????
I didn't remember that, but it's freaking inexcusable! It's like free, awesome backstory or something... How clueless do you have to be to not include that.

It's like not including "flame on!"

Er...come to think of it...does Johnny ever say "flame on!" in the movies?

7:53 PM  
Blogger Random Michelle K said...

That's OK. I'm not saying I loved it overall, just that I love it when movies get little things that tend to be gotten wrong, right. It's redemptive. :)

7:53 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home