Post/TImes Watch 5/12/20: Orange Man Bad; YOU WILL DIE FROM THE EUROPEAN VIRUS THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH CHINA; Russiagate? Never Heard Of It

Today at the Compost Times: ORANGE MAN BAD! ORANGE MAN VERY, VERY BAD. SO BAD. ORANGE MAN PERSONALLY MURDERED 80,000 AMERICANS. None of this would ever have happened without Orange Man. We should be living in a Clintonian paradise on Earth! Instead, we have the bad orange man and his system of concentration camps, his personal Gestapo zombies, and his secret ninja robot assassins. 

   In other news: IF WE LEAVE OUR HOMES WE WILL ALL DIE. There are no costs to staying home. I don't know why we didn't think of this before! If we leave even one moment too soon, PEOPLE WILL DIE. However, there is absolutely no downside to staying home too long. Staying home is pure win, people. Wait...does Bad Orange Man get the credit for this discovery that everyone can simply stop working with no adverse consequences whatsoever? For our finally achieving this communist paradise? Somehow I doubt it.

   In still other news, Wuhan coronavirus is actually a European virus! I can't believe how wrong we all were about that! So now we can go back to referring to viruses by their place-names of discovery. As long as it's something like Andorravirus or Belgian flu or Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­gochpox, everything is cool, obvs. 

   Finally, there is no political news. In fact, I shouldn't even have said that much. There certainly have been no revelations about Russiagategate. And 'Obamagate' is not even a term so don't use it. Twitter and Facebook will ban it soon enough, of course--but in the interim you are left to your own recognizance. The meeting in the Oval Office of January 5, 2017 did not happen, former president Obama was not in on the decision to conduct a quasi-coup against the incoming administration, and there is certainly no scandal of any kind afoot, much less something that seems to dwarf Watergate. Nope. There is absolutely no news about anything like that at all, except for maybe a mention about how the FBI railroading Michael Flynn was a good thing, and only right-wing extremists are against it. So just get back to work...I mean...to not-work...citizen. Your betters have determined your information needs.

   Late breaking news: you are racist.