Tuesday, January 28, 2014

"Girls With Short Hair Are Damaged"

LOOOOOL

Look, I...LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

No wait....no wait [wipes tears from eyes]...I can LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Hold on I can...get myself under control here...

Oh man, don't click on that shit unless you really can't resist.

"Return of Kings" is, at my best guess, a troll site. Or maybe its just click bait for losers. I don't know. It seems so blatantly, over-the-top, intentionally, flamboyantly idiotic that it's a little hard for me to believe that it's for real. I mean, here's some:
No woman in all of human history has ever looked better with short hair than she would with a head full of healthy locks. Despite this irrefutable fact, American women are “chopping it off” in greater numbers every day. This rears its ugly head in an array of ugly permutations, from the boy-like pixie cut to bizarre semi-shaved head topographies. The rationalizations—whether it’s donating their hair to sick kids or the summer weather—are immaterial. The effect, and true reasons, are the same. 
I blame this lamentable trend on a few factors. The most powerful are the disingenuous lies—from both men and women—about how it looks. Women are quick to encourage other women to cut their hair by telling them how “cute” it is. While I’m no scientist, I’m convinced this is some deep, genetic programming at work, one that forces women—who compete with one another on a physical level on a daily basis—to encourage any behavior that might eliminate competitors in the dating pool. Men are no better. The cowardly and deluded among us perpetuate the myth that “some girls can pull it off.” Pulling something off, I often respond, is the equivalent of “passing” a class. Just because you have enough left-over attractiveness to remain bangable after cutting off your hair doesn’t mean you wouldn’t look better with it back on.
I hope you didn't get any of that on you.

(Just by way of illustration, not that I think this warrants it, I'm going to leave this right here (possibly NSFW on the page)... And this. This too. Well. This is stupid and unnecessary.)

But this is the best part:
The truth of the matter is that long hair’s almost universally attractive to men, when they’re actually speaking honestly (without trying to appease women in the room). Furthermore, it’s a symbol of youth, femininity, and health. Why can’t old women grow long hair? Because it’s an ephemeral trait of your fertile years. Women instinctively know this, which is why every American girl who cuts, and keeps, her hair short often does it for ulterior reasons. Short hair is a political statement. And, invariably, a girl who has gone through with a short cut—and is pleased with the changes in her reception—is damaged in some significant way. Short hair is a near-guarantee that a girl will be more abrasive, more masculine, and more deranged.
Dude. You just simply need to get out of the house more. Or your parent's basement. Seriously.

This kind of thing...it's just not healthy. I mean, aside from it being really, really stupid and embarrassing and all. It's also not healthy.

Are there really dudes like this out there? I honestly have never, ever encountered anybody like this in actual grown-up life. This guy sounds like he's combining the immature patheticness of a high school loser with the crotchety patheticness of an aging loser.

Why am I wasting time complaining about this nonsense?

I've got stuff to do.

In short: STFU dipshit.

2 Comments:

Blogger The Mystic said...

The manner of writing strikes me as intentionally parodic.

Hopefully, it's fake.

10:22 AM  
Blogger The Mystic said...

Good Lord...I just Googled it...popular question, incidentally (whether or not returnofkings is a satirical site). Most folks seem to think it is not, and it appears to have a wide-reaching fanbase of apparently-satirical-yet-not followers, some of which spend their time debating whether or not to support the site since it makes their obviously correct position appear somewhat less obviously so.

The Internet is a walk along a path with frequent bridges over caustic swamps.

10:27 AM  

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