TeeVee Says Reagan Greatest American

This is too stupid even to comment on, but I recently discovered that the Discovery Channel had a little popularity contest in which people could call in and cast votes for people to be included in a list of the 100 greatest Americans. I even saw a little bit of a show in which Dinesh DeSouza argued--before an all-star panel including Ann Coulter--that Clinton's blowjob was worse than Reagan selling arms to terrorists.

Well, you don't need me to tell you that this is going to end badly. Although Discovery.com sucks and I can't for the life of me get any of the relevant pages to load now, I previously looked over the list of candidates and it included--and I am not making this up--such indispensible American heroes as Oprah Winfrey, Lucille Ball, Tiger Woods, Brett Favre, Hugh Hefner, and Frank Sinatra. Marilyn Monroe, but not James Monroe, was represented. James Madison--who I guess I'd have voted for if I ever engaged in something this silly--wasn't on the list. Rush Limbaugh, Mel Gibson, Sam Walton--all there. Henry Knox, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Nathaniel Greene, Edwin Hubble, Richard Feynman--not there. One of the candidates I'd never even heard of--Dr. Phil McGraw--who turns out to be a talk-show host. For the love of God...

I am not exaggerating when I say that I felt physically ill when I saw the list. I may never have seen such a nauseating display of shallowness and ignorance. God, it's awful.

I heard a couple of weeks ago that Bill Clinton had come in at like number seven. Now, Clinton was a good president, but that's simply absurd. Despite all the things one might say on his behalf, is there any plausible way to get him even into the top 100? Is he going to edge out Daniel Morgan or Timothy Murphey or Bull Halsey? Nathan Hale? Omar Bradley? I guess it's possible, but I don't see it.

But there's more. George W. Bush came in at number 6. Presumably there's no need to comment on this. If Bush can avoid the list of 100 most loathsome Americans he'll be lucky. Being in the list of the 100 greatest is simply not on the horizon for him.

But, oh, what about the GREATEST American? Who was that alleged to be? Well, dear readers, it was none other than The Great Reader of the Teleprompter, Ronald Wilson Reagan. That sorry excuse for a president, that talentless witless zero, that violator of his oath of office, that conductor of illegal wars, that dealer with terrorists, that funder of murderers, came in just ahead of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. If you've every heard of anything stupider than this, please do let me know. No. On second thought, please don't.

Of course this means nothing. It's an indictment of the endeavor not any sign of Reagan's greatness--or adequacy. The mere presence of Tom Hanks and Ellen DeGeneres on the list of candidates makes it clear that this is not a serious endeavor. But still it nauseates.

In the end it might actually make a twisted kind of sense. It seemed like a plurality of people named on the list of candidates were entertainers, and that's what Reagan really was, anyway.

[Incidentally, just got a page to load. 40 of the 100 "greatest Americans" are either entertainers or athletes. Someone please shoot me.]