Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Republican Foreign Policy: Phase 1

So there's this--Rice meeting with Teodoro Obiang Nguema. He's a brutal dictator, but he's got what we need. Oh, yeah, that good stuff baby...black gold...Texas tea...

So now we move into Republican Foreign Policy Phase 1:

Evil Dictator has somethin' we want..oil, port, control of airspace....or they're fighting somebody we don't like. Evil Dictator is our BESTEST, BESTEST friend, our BFFL, our homeboy. We would have SEX with evil dictator if we weren't so straight and manly an' stuff.

Later, we may enter:

Republican Foriegn Policy, Phase 2:

Evil Dictator bein' so NICE and our HOMEBOY and all, we sell Evil Dictator a little somethin' to help him beat down those pesky peasants or whatever that are ruinin' his day. Just a little sumthin'...some guns maybe...a Blackhawk or two...some F-16s. You know, nothin' fancy, just some stuff for, you know, home defense. Like, in case he wakes up in the middle of the night and hears a noise in the kitchen, he can call in an airstrike.

LIBBRULS may whine and carp--like they always do--about us helping out our good bud Evil D, but they are whiny and pasty and funny and some of them don't even go to church and they hate America and want us to be the world's policeman. We can't go around righting every wrong in the world, right? So why should we right any of them? Libbruls just don't understand foreign policy is all.

Later, we may enter:

Republican Foreign Policy, Phase 3:

Evil Dictator stops doing what we want, or things change or whatever--you know, it's not him it's us--but anyway he's not meetin' our needs anymore, and then suddenly we realize that hey, wait a minute, apparently Evil Dictator is an evil dictator!

Then all of a sudden all those little quirks we used to think were so cute--like murdering civilians and torturing people and all stuff like that--well, it's just not cute anymore. In fact, it is an indubitable moral imperative that Evil Dictator must GO. NOW! I mean, EVIL DICTATOR HAS F-16s AND OTHER BIG WEAPONS! Evil Dictator is now a threat to US, and that means that we need to kill him RIGHT NOW, because that is is RIGHT, and if you want wait around and look for "evidence" and stuff like that then you hate what's right and you love Evil Dictator and want to have 10,000 of his babies. God and Apple Pie and Chevrolet command us to kill him. And take his oil.

So with Nguema, I guess we're just entering Phase 1. Of course hating Nguema now is not acceptable. No skipping steps! Hating him and wanting to oppose his tyranny is not American until we gone through the other phases. If you oppose tyrants out of turn you are a libbrul and HATE 'MURKIN VALUES.

I hope this is all clear.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, um, Winston, what was all that stuff you were saying earlier about not being shrill...? ;)

6:37 PM  
Blogger Winston Smith said...

That wasn't *shrill*...

...it was *snide*...

7:41 PM  
Blogger Random Michelle K said...

I don't wanna have 10,000 of anyone's babies.

Just wanted to make that clear, so y'all know where I stand.

How about the "we're all for democracy, unless you elect people we don't like" snide?

(And no, I wasn't thinking of the Palestinians. I was thinking of Iran and Kermit Roosevelt.)

8:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All you ever needed to know about this dynamic in U.S. foriegn policy was summed up by Bill Hicks during the FIRST Gulf War.

"The CIA was saying: 'Iraq? Incredible weapons! Incredible weapons!'"

"Really? How do you know?"

"Well...we checked the receipt. But as soon as that check clears, we're going in!"

2:30 PM  
Blogger Winston Smith said...

Christ on a crutch that's funny.

And by 'funny' I of course mean 'tragic'.

2:36 PM  
Blogger Alexander Wolfe said...

It is-sadly-all too clear.

7:56 PM  

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