Friday, March 17, 2006

Things You Need To Know
For the Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse

No doubt you've wondered about zombie deterioration rates, but you probably never got around to learning anything about the matter. "When am I ever gonna use algebra or history or zombology?" you probably asked in that pimply, insolent tone of yours back in high school as you passed a reefer back to your good bud Todd or Dwayne or Skeeter. Well, lucky for you that the good folks at Metafilter have formulated and evaluated some important zombological hypotheses so you don't have to, you slack-ass stoner. You make me sick.

I do have some thoughts of my own to add, and I'm sure you'll be fascinated by them:

1. Move North. If there's one safe bet about zombies, it's that they ain't endotherms. When winter comes, they probably just freeze up like slimy, icky popsickles. 'Course they probably just thaw out again in the Spring, but at least you've got the winter to go around finding them and killing them at your leisure. You could, no doubt, train dogs to to sniff 'em out.

1'. In the summer, move to Missouri, where the 95-100 degree temperatures and eleven gazillion percent humidity will cause the zombies to rot and cause the foetid flesh to slough off their bones into disgusting little pools of crap.

2. Contrary to what dr. stein says in the comments, forget about the Ruger 10/22 and the Ruger mini 14. You probably can't hit the broad side of a barn with a bass fiddle, and you especially can't do it while shrieking like a girl and crying for your mommy while the ooey gooey animated corpse-thing that used to be your neighbor is trying to eat your face off. What you want for a zombie attack is a shotgun. Then you don't have to worry about details like aiming. Everybody always immediately thinks "12 guage," but a nice little 20 guage will probably do the trick just fine, and you'll be glad for the lighter recoil as you're blasting your fiftieth zombie of the day. I recommend 3 or 4 buck.

O.k., now don't say I never have anything useful on this site.


Blogger Random Michelle K said...

Other useful zombie information

I hate zombies.

1:10 PM  
Blogger Random Michelle K said...


Liquid notrigen or liquid oxygen. Freeze 'em up and then smack 'em with a hammer.

Little tiny zombie bits.

Just remember to sweep 'em up BEFORE they thaw.

1:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We should have some Bush apologists here, so that we can understand zombiefication from the other side............

9:59 AM  
Blogger Winston Smith said...

Michelle K--useful info! Maybe we need to put together an entire zombie apocalypse data base...

Oh, that is such a beautiful comment that I weep that it will die here in obscurity...

5:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago.

H.L. Mencken

3:28 AM  

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