Friday, July 30, 2004

Word Count

From the people who brought you the it wasn't really a lie since it was only sixteen words defense, we now get the word-count critique of Kerry's speech. Apparently Kerry's speech had about 5,000 words in it, but only "about 70" had to do with his record in the Senate.

Um, in case you don't get it, let me explain that this is apparently supposed to be a criticism. I'm really not sure how or why, but when I heard this it was clear that it was intended to be damning.

Whew. Those guys aren't even trying anymore. Has Karl Rove already abandoned the campaign? Is there like one little guy sitting there in front of Word trying to figure out something negative to say? (Damn...spellcheck didn't find anything...the margins are all fine...what else...what else...?)

Thing is, 70 words is still more than we've heard from W about where the Hell he was when he was supposed to be in the National Guard, whether he got kicked out for snorting coke, or why he concealed his DWI...

Oh, and those sixteen (impeach-worthy) words in the State of the Union about those? I still love that defense. I wish I'd known that this was a legitimate defense when I was a kid.

(things get swirly...cue flashback music...)

Mom: Hey, you little monster--did you put pepper in the coffee pot?

Me: No.

Mom: Yes you did. What am I, stupid?

Me: Look, that was only one word. It almost doesn't even count as a lie. Don't be so unreasonable. This is just mindless me-bashing. This is the kind of thing that has polarized our household and weakened us in our efforts to keep up with the Joneses.

And, of course, by this standard Clinton's "I did not have sexual relations with that woman," only NINE words, is only about half as bad as W's lie. So I guess W should be impeached twice...

My prediction re: the next Republican criticism: Kerry was actually bleeding from combat wounds for a mere 0.01% of his time in Vietnam!

I'm actually kind of surprised that Santorum and Ashcroft haven't called for an investigation into Kerry's alleged possible mouth-to-mouth contact with Licorice the hamster...


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